Speaking of music and bums and YouTube, I discovered that Kid Cudi’s music isn’t total crap. Honestly, his song Day N Nite was all that I had heard by him until i discovered the leaked tracks from Man on the Moon, and in my opinion Day N Nite was like listening to a self absorbed broken turntable with Autotune. The same boring line over. and over. and over. Painful. But Man on the Moon— FANTASTIC!! One song in particular, Pursuit of Happiness is my personal favorite. His one line “Tell me what you know about the night terrors, nothin’” struck a cord for me since I frequently suffer from terrible night terrors, in most of which I am mute, but I am the only one who knows it. As in my silence is understood as acceptance, meanwhile I’m screaming inside my head for my lips to form words. I imagine there is some symbolism behind it but truly, I am too scared to check. :)

So  every once in a while I get this twisted sick feeling of longing for the past, an angry nostalgia. It’s really difficult to describe. Like the worst cabin fever, and then you realize what you are longing to escape is your body, not your house and you realize you cant no matter how badly you wish, turn back time. It can be triggered by nearly anything, this deep confused longing, a baby picture featuring a collection of people it would be impossible to gather again. Or a song that reminds me of summer camp, or a memory of something that ended too soon. Do I sound like a corny love song? My dear god, I hope not. But really, it begins in my toes and I am filled with fear- am I really still here still whole? I want to badly to check under my bed covers and look to make sure all ten toes are there. I want to make to stop though. I don’t want to indulge my fears so I don’t look, i refrain from checking but i hear my heatbeat thumping pulses all over my body, my wrists my ears, behind my eyes. With each beat I grow more and more sure that my toes are gone, that I am slipping away. That my sanity is too, so I try to bolt out of bed slamming my feet hard against the ground, daring myself not to look at them. My will power caves and I make excuses “oh hmm it feels like mommy just vacuumed, now how bout that.” Or “Did something spill in here? I could have sworn I felt something on the ground as I stare intently at my toes not entirely believing that I’m whole. My eyes eat my hands with the wonder of  baby. Are they really mine? Is that possible, was it a dream. And the anxiety passes. And I am okay. Until that one song come on and makes my heart ache from the deepest of places for reasons I cannot explain and can just barely describe.

Ahaha. So my obsession with glitter is reaching new heights and is truly fantastic.

I have the flu…

I can only breathe through one nostril at a time (not kidding ;))

CANT WAIT FOR WATER POLO SEASON TO START!!!

loooooove,

delia